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Jeb Bush: Jesus Would Be The Perfect Republican President

19.05.2015  |  00:12
Jeb Bush: Jesus Would Be The Perfect Republican President

The Republican primary clown car has pulled into Iowa and the competitors are falling over themselves to prove to conservative voters that they deserve to be the nominee. For most, the strategy is simple: Keep yelling “Ronald Reagan” as loudly as possible. However, with every candidate rushing to position themselves as the next Reagan, the Law of Diminishing Returns has kicked in.

Ever the shrewd tactician, Jeb Bush has bypassed the Reagan rat race and instead went straight into pandering to the base directly with the help of Jesus Christ – the only known Reagan trump card.

In the aftermath of Jeb Bush’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week, the question on everyone’s mind is, “Can he recover after botching his campaign so completely right out of the gate?”

Jeb’s response was to argue the only truly perfect Republican candidate would be Jesus, so… vote for Jeb because the Son of God isn’t available?

Campaigning in Iowa City, Bush was asked Saturday why he wasn’t better prepared for questions about Iraq and whether his fumbles are a sign of weakness.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” he told reporters. “Look, we are all going to make mistakes. If you’re looking for a perfect candidate, he probably existed 2,000 years ago.”

For Jeb’s sake, let’s set aside the more obvious fact that he didn’t just make a “mistake,” he engaged in a rolling series of baffling remarks about the Iraq War – a question he has had literally

inside_article
years to think of an answer to – and made any claim he had to being ready for “prime time” highly suspect.

Instead, let’s consider the more audacious claim that Jesus, a man who (may have) lived 2,000 years ago in the Middle East, would make the “perfect” 2016 Republican president.

There are many, many reasons to believe Jesus would probably find the Republican Party not only distasteful, but openly antagonistic to his teachings, so let’s explore just a few.

Jeb Bush: Jesus Would Be The Perfect Republican President. 415.jpegFor one thing, if a time-traveling, American-born (?) Jesus who hoped to run for president would quickly discover that nearly everything he ever said about caring for the poor has been tossed out the window. In its place, conservative Christians have began worshiping at the altar of the Almighty Dollar and carry around a seething contempt of the poor.

Jesus would find it hard to appeal to the right-wing base, as well. His advocacy for wealth redistribution, the common good, and protection of the most vulnerable outcasts in society would put him at odds with the kinds of people who take time off of spitting at buses full of scared child refugees to vote in the Republican primaries. Their ideology is fueled be hatred – towards immigrants, towards minorities, towards gay people, the list goes on. And how can they be expected to turn the other cheek and stand their ground?

But perhaps most importantly, even if Jesus could overcome those pretty serious hurdles with his inspiring message of compassion and squeaky clean image, he’d still lose convincingly to someone like Ted Cruz, Scott Walker, or, yes, Jeb Bush. Why? Because the Republican Party and their allies on the Supreme Court have seen to it that the only way to win an election is to spend hundreds of millions of dollars. Jesus and Jeb both have famous dads, but only one has a multimillion dollar network of super PACs.

While trying to prove a point about his own candidacy, Jeb inadvertently proved a better one about his political party’s perversion of Christianity. It is one of life’s greatest ironies that for a party that essentially mandates that one be a Christian to join, it utterly fails to uphold even the bare minimum of Christianity’s greatest teachings.

In the end, Jeb got one thing right. He is a flawed candidate. His mistake was in assuming his party is any better.

Feature image via Wikimedia




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